this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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