I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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