I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
