Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize