dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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