3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
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