I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Randomize
