Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
