I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
that's an acceptable place to lick
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
