I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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