Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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