look no pants
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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