he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
