We won't sleep together?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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