i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
