I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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