I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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