I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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