Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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