Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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