it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
