You can't motorboat a personality
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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