I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
