I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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