I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
