i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
