Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize