Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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