I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
