my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
