I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
