I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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