Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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