question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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