I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
