cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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