Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
