i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
