Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
