My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
