it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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