I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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