I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize