just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
