Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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