I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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