In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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