It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
