I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
