you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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