make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He passed out mid-signature
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
