according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
