Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
