Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
