you turned your livingroom into a bong?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize