i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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