Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
