He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
