happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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